All About The Family: The Wife (Pt 4)
“Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses. And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal. And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them. Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good. So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid. Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.”
In this text we see that a wife has been the victim of a husband that has behaved foolishly and now has to be the face of reason before David slaughters their entire tribe. Later in this text we see how Abigail responded to her husband after the fact! Join us today as we discuss the wive’s response to the husband’s poor behavior.
“The following statements aren’t all conclusive to all members of the feminine gender. Each individual wife is unique and has her own gifts in the confines of her marriage. The reader should NOT automatically assume that all women are all the same or display similar behaviors but use these statements as guide while understanding their own wife’s behavior and emotional pattern. Not all statements in this devotional are true for your wife or all women in the world. Please take all statements with a grain of salt unless discussed with your beloved spouse. Thus it has been spoken!”
I. The Secret Of Understanding The Woman
How many wives out there have seen your husband do or say something totally wrong or mess up really bad? Most of you out there right? Be honest, how many of you wives out there would have tried to stop him before he did it? Most women would articulate that, “I want to take care of my family and my man before he gets us into a bad situation”. That’s a good help-meet attitude to have but there isn’t a right or wrong answer. The only thing that I would say is know your husband. If you’re an aggressive type of person with strong words and your husband isn’t, you could be hurting your husband’s feelings even though he would never admit it. He would secretly resent you and probably feel like he has to walk on eggshells around you. On the flip side, if he is strong with his words and you aren’t, you will feel like you’re being yelled at all the time and unloved when it comes to making mistakes.
When our loved ones transgress against us, we need to let them know that they have hurt us, work together to make the wrong right and discuss safeguards and boundaries to prevent re-injury. Let’s talk about how we can apply these three steps with our spouses.
- Voice Your Concerns – It is very important that you voice your opinion to your husband when you’re upset or concerned. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a nag or insensitive when you present your requests. If you come across to your husband as a nag, he will listen to you but as soon as you’ve completed speaking he will data dump and forget everything that you told him. If you come across as a jerk, he will look like he’s listening but he will have tuned you out. Oh, he will be able to repeat every word that you said but it will only go as far as the outer portion of his ears. The best way to voice your concerns, so that he hears them, is to get into a place where you have his undivided attention. NOT when the game is on please! He will resent you for this and not pay attention.
- Visit This Issue Together To Fix It – This requires you instructing him that he or the transgressor needs to do more or less in order to make the situation right. It involves the offender to put forth action to either be accepted or rejected. For instance:
- The husband didn’t recognize that it was your birthday when you thought that he should have done so.
- You become upset and let him know that you’re upset because of something that he did or didn’t do.
- If you don’t tell him what his transgression is/was how can he fix it.
- Don’t expect him to read your mind or take subtle clues.
- If you aren’t happy with the results of his response to fix the issue, don’t settle and complain later! Politely let him know that you feel that his efforts aren’t what you expected. Ask him “Doesn’t my love for you and your love for me deserve more than what you have shown?”
- Don’t answer. Let him answer by his action.
- Once your satisfied; let it go forever!
- Vigorously Erect Safeguards & Boundaries – It happened but it doesn’t have to happen again. If I have hurt someone and care about them, I will want to make sure that I don’t do it again. People are usually more careful after a speeding ticket or an accident. Assure that your husband knows that this thing hurt you and that you would like not to be hurt this way again. Ask them what will they do in order for this not to occur again.
When dealing with any issue or unsavory behavior, I would use what I call the (HSSH) Hug Slap Speak Hug method. This is a tried and true method of dealing with issues while keeping your spouse focused and not feeling as if you do not like them! How does it work?
I begin the conversation by telling them that I love them in a way that they recognize and a couple of compliments about something that they are really strong at doing. Then I segue into a conversation about something they aren’t so good at doing or the complaint that I have. After the complaint has been heard, I will allow them to speak and then end the conversation with physical contact, reassurance that I love them and I still like them!
“Honey, can we talk for a minute? I have seen your attention to detail in your work and I am really impressed. You have really given this your all and it makes me proud to be your wife. In fact, thats one of the reasons why I feel in love with you. You devote all of yourself into things that are very important to you. Having said that, I would like to say that I haven’t been feeling really important to you lately. I know work has become very busy but is it possible that I can be at the top of one of your lists? Just yesterday you forgot my birthday, which is a big deal to me. I don’t want to become bitter towards you and resent you so is there anything that can be done so this won’t happen again? Let him speak at this point until you are satisfied with the answer. Honey, I love you and really respect all of the work that you have been doing! I want to feel important to you because I chose you above all others. You are my family and my everything. I am holding your hand because I love you and know that with your drive and our love or one another, there isn’t anything that can stop our love.”
Next time we will talk about the husbands and their roles in the relationship. Join us again as we address real life issues with biblical answers on Worship With Willie.