All About The Family: The Wife (Pt 4)
1 Corinthians 7:13 -14
“And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.”
How can I win the heart of my husband so that he only wants to bond with me? This has been the question on the hearts of many wives since the fall. Today we will discuss ways to win the heart of your husband and keep it.
“The following statements aren’t all conclusive to all members of the feminine gender. Each individual wife is unique and has her own gifts in the confines of her marriage. The reader should NOT automatically assume that all women are all the same or display similar behaviors but use these statements as guide while understanding their own wife’s behavior and emotional pattern. Not all statements in this devotional are true for your wife or all women in the world. Please take all statements with a grain of salt unless discussed with your beloved spouse. Thus it has been spoken!”
I. The Secret Of Understanding The Woman
Do you remember what qualities made you fall in love with your husband? You don’t have to say them but think about what qualities made you choose him instead of another. I think that wive loose sight of these things especially when life begins to be tough. Instead of remembering the trust that you put into him, most wives recall of of his failures and short comings which makes them loose confidence in him. So instead of seeing a strong leader they see a weak failure. This type of perception will definitely cause many wives to change their attitude and behavior towards the man that they say they love. Is this fair or even right? You decide:
A. Joan & Tim have been married for over 10 years and they have recently fallen prey to the marriage blues. Tim has been offered a new position at work. After discussing it with his bride, they both agree that he should except it. When he does, his free time diminishes at first which causes Tim to miss many family functions. His wife regrets the decision and makes many emotional statements like:
“You never should have agreed to this position” “Why did you take this job anyways, you’re never home anymore” “Since this new job, your children and I never spend time with you anymore” “All you ever do and care about is work, work work” “Your priorities are all about work and never about the family anymore!” “You need to make a decision: Work or Us.”
Let’s look at what she is saying to Tim and how he interprets what she is saying:
- She Said: “You never should have agreed to this position” He Hears: “You’re so dumb to have excepted this position, why did you let me say yes to something that is going to hurt us!”
She is inadvertently putting herself in a position as a leader and judge over her husband which makes him feel inferior to her. This makes him feel bad for working and even trying. If he can’t even get this right, he will give up on even trying to make her feel special because “what if I mess that up” she will yell at me and tell me that she is disappointed in me.
2. She Said: “Why did you take this job anyways, you’re never home anymore” He Hears: “You’re selection in careers is terrible! You constantly choose jobs that keep you out and your family gets the bad end of the deal!”
In this statement, some wives are trying to alert the husband that they would like more time with them but the meaning does not come across that way. This comes across as the wife being a bully to her husband about his career. Don’t forget, he brought this to you before a made a decision so that you could be included in the process. When wives begin to show these types of outbursts, it could prompt the husband to seek to hide “bad news” from his wife. I mean why would someone bring bad news to someone that consistently yells at them or puts them down?
3. She Said: “Since this new job, your children and I never spend time with you anymore” He Hears: “You’re a bad husband and a terrible father! You only care about this job and nothing else!”
Wives should watch out for (E.C.W.s) Emotionally Charged Words. (ECWs) are words or phrases that represent what the speaker feels at that time, but do not necessarily reflect reality. For instance: “Since this new job, your children and I never spend time with you anymore” The (ECW) is never! “Your children and I never spend time with you!” Would this be a fair statement? I’m sure that the husband comes home on the weekend and she sees him at least after his work day. (ECW) WILL cause disagreements and could lead to fights. The husband will disagree with the wife’s assessment which will make the wife feel invalidated. The use of more accurate terms would be better. Instead of saying “You never” it would be easier to hear “we miss” or “it has been a while since”.
4. She Said: “All you ever do and care about is work, work, work” He Hears: “You’re married to that job! Why don’t you love me as much as you love that job?”
What would you like your husband to do? Would you peer him not work? In response to this I would ask the wife a question. Does he spend time with you and the children ever? Even if he spends the weekend with you, it is still time! This proves that he doesn’t work, work, work. Now if he spends time working on vacation then thats a conversation! A better way to address this is to say “Honey, I notice that you have a few things to finish from work. Is there anything that I can do to make your life easier?” Notice that there was no request to help him. Unsolicited help can come across as a disrespect to his territory. Asking if there is something that you can do will make him feel like you care about him! This will allow him to finish the work faster and care about you!
5. She Said: “Your priorities are all about work and never about the family anymore!” He Hears: “You don’t care about the family! You can’t even figure out how to balance work life and home life. You’re a failure at being a work and being a husband!”
This to a man is like calling his wife ugly, fat and old when she is seeking reassurance about her outfit! Wives, please know that we as husbands don’t like working over, working long hour away from our families and we especially hate it when our families ask us for time together and we have to complete work. “We feel bad enough about working when you aren’t able to be with us, why do you have to rub it in our faces and beat us up about it.” If you want your man to stay in love you here is a better way to deal with long work hours.
“Honey, me and the kids miss you terribly. When will you be home? We love you and will be waiting for you to get home to us as soon as you can. Is it okay that we go ahead and have dinner? I will keep your dinner warm for you. I will leave you to finish up your work. Please hurry home to us. I love you!”
If you say something like that to your husband while he is working, 99.5% of husbands will either rush to finish their work or will feel very loved and respected. It will be a huge win for you and you will gain your man’s heart in the process!
6. She Said: “You need to make a decision: Work or Us.” He Hears: “Your work, and career goals don’t mean anything! You need give it all up because I can’t deal with it. You better choose me or you will regret it.”
Generally, when women give ultimatums to men it is not a good idea. Most of the time, the man chooses the opposite thing that the woman wishes to occur. Remember this when considering ultimatums: “Do I want my husband to make a decision because I threatened him or do I want to have him make a decision because he really wants to.
Overall, if you want to win the heart of your husband and keep it here are a few tips to consistently apply and keep in mind.
- Watch your tone – Men are very sensitive when your tone comes across as sarcastic, disappointed, upset, angry, loving, supportive or agreeable. even if you are saying something positive with a bad tone, it comes across as a cutdown.
- Watch your words – Men are NOT women!!! Don’t speak to us like we are your girl friends. We will take offense to it. We might not say it then and there but it will still hurt us.
- Watch your emotions – We know that you are emotional from time to time but please do all that you can to show us the kind ones. We live with you and have vowed to remain faithful to you even on your bad days. Even when you don’t like yourselves, we love you. All we ask is that you remember that when your emotions are of the charts and try not to beat up us. What if we had a bad day and took it out on you? How would you feel.
- Watch your actions – Don’t do anything to your husband that you would hate him doing to you. I mean really! If you wouldn’t want to be interrogated like a criminal when you did nothing wrong don’t do it to him. This includes asking him questions that you already know the answers to just because you want to torture him. Is this love? If you really have to resort to this type of behavior, you either don’t trust him or don’t respect him. In either case you both need counseling.
If you want to win the heart of your husband remember that the bible says that you are to respect him. You can’t respect him when your language disrespects him! Go out of your way to respect him with your words, emotions, actions and your tone. If you do this, you will notice a huge change in his behavior towards you. This will be a way to restore what was in disorder and help you both bond. In tomorrow’s devotional we will talk about how a wife should respond to a husbands’ bad behavior. Join us again as we address real life issues with biblical answers on Worship With Willie.