All We Do Is Fight!!! (How To Fight Fair) Part 5
“From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not:ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain:ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”
Why do we fight? Why do we fight against each other? Webster’s dictionary defines fighting as “a battle or combat, any contest or struggle involving anger or any other adverse emotion.” By this definition, we see that fights are nothing more than disagreements that are fueled by anger or any other adverse emotion. Having said this, I don’t believe that it is so much the situation that causes fights as it is the emotional response elicited. This week we will go into detail on how to fight fair and win the fight by losing the fight. Join us as we learn how to fight fair.
21. Don’t Use A Cold Shoulder But A Warm Touch
It amazes me that we as adults act like small children when we get into disagreements. I’m including myself into this text as well! How many times do we shy away from speaking when we are upset with another person? It’s almost as if we tell ourselves “I’m not going to say anything until they go first.” Well if both parties have that belief, then how will the love of Christ be shown?
Someone needs to initiate a dialogue and foster a climate of warmth and welcome communication. In my house I try to begin conversations, that are tough, by sitting down in a safe place and beginning the conversation with friendly touch. Things such as hand holding, foot rubbing and even a gentle hug invites a welcome spirit of communication. Hopefully you are bothered by the action and not the person who has done the action. You should have a desire to correct the action not to punish the person. When someone crosses or trespasses against us, the bible tells us to forgive them. This means that we do not withhold love from them as a means of punishment. This is utterly selfish, unbiblical and leaves the other person feeling withdrawn and unloved. However, I do believe that there should be consequences until restoration. If you allow them to continue as if nothing has happened then that person will NOT know that there is an issue.
22. Exclude Violence
Simply put, no matter how upset you are you and your loved ones should agree to NEVER resort to violence as a manner of appeasing your anger. This also includes punishing your children when upset as well. One can go way beyond the scope of discipline into the arena of abuse. There is a fine line that can be crossed when you are emotionally handicapped by an incident. Wait until you have cooled off and can think clearly.
23. Is The Problem Elsewhere
“Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.”
I once seen a family that had real issues with suppressing their anger towards each other. When I spoke to them, they were very much in love with each other but they still fought. When I began to question and investigate deeper, I learned that the wife had been abused by her family and the behavior that they displayed, the husband showed these same behaviors. When she saw these things, she became very defiant and began to nit-pick the husband. She was never able to share this because she didn’t really know that she was doing it.
This woman didn’t really have anger issues with her family but there was another underlying issue that triggered her into an altered mental state. Maybe there is something in your life that triggers you; maybe you have triggers that make you display an emotion that makes you dislike yourself? There is help at the cross!
24. Respect (Positive) Emotional Responses
When a person displays positive emotional responses to your comments and concerns this gives validity to the trespass. For instance, a husband tells a wife that she is very sharp with her comments to him which really hurts his feelings. The wife, feeling terrible about her actions, begins to cry and repent for her trespasses. This is a valid positive emotional response. However, the crying is NOT a substitute for a change in behavior. This informs others that they are aware of the situation and that they have a desire to change. This is where the two can work together to establish a plan and set-up accountabilities so that they twain can be successful.
25. Prayer As Strength
There is nothing that God can’t resolve, fix or restore! Sometimes we are more willing to fight the other party than we are willing to pray with them. I challenge you all to pray whenever you have the feeling of anger before you act on your anger. God is and prayer is big as God is and moves just as fast.
Learning how to fight fair with your spouse and your loved ones will keep you from killing them and allow you to be kind to them. I sincerely hope that you have learned something from this series and that it give you a few bits of information and tools to help you in your marriage and your relationship. I would like to personally thank foryourmarriage.org, for providing some content for us to refer to during our devotional series. Join us again as we address real life issues with biblical answers on Worship With Willie.