All We Do Is Fight!!! (How To Fight Fair) Part 1
“From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not:ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain:ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.”
Why do we fight? Why do we fight against each other? Webster’s dictionary defines fighting as “a battle or combat, any contest or struggle involving anger or any other adverse emotion.” By this definition, we see that fights are nothing more than disagreements that are fueled by anger or any other adverse emotion. Having said this, I don’t believe that it is so much the situation that causes fights as it is the emotional response elicited. This week we will go into detail on how to fight fair and win the fight by losing the fight. Join us as we learn how to fight fair.
1. Know Your Own Feelings
Grow in awareness! You have to know your own feelings before you can effectively manage them. All too often we will get angry and expect others to accept our angry and go out of their way to accurate us when we are the ones that are upset. This is entitlement. That’s why most Americans make scene and display their anger when they don’t get their way at places of business in an attempt to force the business to give place to their emotional outburst. Keeping our feelings in check is absolutely vital to fighting fair.
The bible says in Proverbs 29:22 “An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.” When you cannot control you emotions or refuse to control your emotions, you will set the environment for strife and sin will soon follow.
2. Anger Is An Emotion – Neither Right Nor Wrong In Itself
The bible tells us in Ephesians 4:26 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” Anger is NOT a bad emotion. We read in Exodus 32 when Moses displayed fury when the people of God disobeyed what he told them as God gave it to him. We also read in John 2 where Jesus displayed anger and overturned the money changer’s tables in the temple. So we have a biblical basis that proves anger is NOT a bad emotion. However, what do you do with your anger. We read in Ecclesiastes 7:9 “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” We are reminded that bad things happen when anger is quickly acted upon without keeping it in check.
It is a good idea to make no decisions when you’re upset or are angry. When you are angry remember these questions and ask yourself:
- Why Am I Angry?
- Am I Upset At Someone’s Actions Or Their Attitude?
- Can I Forgive Their Actions? (If Not, Why?)
- What Do I Want To See Happen?
- How Can I Resolve My Angry Feelings?
If nothing resolves your angry feelings then you may have an issue with controlling your emotions. Emotions let you know that there is something missing or needing to be completed. Once those things are resolved, your emotions should settle. If not, then maybe you are being controlled by emotions.
3. Negotiation And Compromise Are Essential
I have found that the closer you are to someone, the violent the arguments and fights tend to be. Speaking with couples that have been together for over 30 years, I have found that this is something that they regularly do. I have heard many people make a covenant with each other to never argue in these conditions:
- When they do not have the ability to control their thoughts or emotions
- When they are very emotionally or mentally vested in the subject of argument
- When they feel like the other person is attacking them personally
- When they have not read their bible that day
- When they have not prayed that God gives them control
- When they are at a disadvantage (Can’t give the other person attention)
Likewise, if they see an argument imminent and unavoidable they have done these things:
- “I will not raise my voice at you no matter how angry I am at the situation”
- “I will remember that you are my wife/husband and are MORE IMPORTANT than this situation that we are disagreeing about right now.”
- “I have made a promise to NEVER put anything or anyone before you, this includes an argument.”
- “There is nothing in this world so important that I have to spend time yelling at you and treating you like the enemy.”
- “It’s a shame that I get so frustrated at things and take it out on you before I have the chance to consider your feelings.”
One has to choose not to treat another, especially a close loved one, like an enemy. When one says “I can’t control what I say,” is simply a lie of the devil and an excuse to not put forth effort. Choosing to negotiate and compromise their feelings to honor and consider their close loved ones and family shows maturity and grace. The lack of these qualities shows, you fill in the blank.
4. Have Cooling-Off Periods
This is a very important area to remember. All too often, because we want to have instant answers, we will try to force someone to answer our questions RIGHT NOW!! I would caution you in doing this in the midst of an argument. Let your mate or family member cool off before you engage them. This takes on the same application of grabbing a hot cooking utensil before it cools off. You have a desire to have it but that vessel will cause you injury without thinking anything about it. Once it cools off, you will be able to have more use from it than if you didn’t.
Needing an immediate answer from a man isn’t wrong but you must allow him to be prepared to give an answer. We all know that rape is a horrible crime! It forces a lady to do something that she doesn’t consent to against her will. The aggressor desires one thing that is different from the victim. Forcing her to give him what he wants is both wrong and illegal. This could cause a person to endure many years of mental anguish and emotionally not trust the opposite sex from a long time.
Likewise, when you attempt to force a man to answer you when you want immediate answers is similar to the aforementioned. Men’s brains aren’t as developed in the are of verbal communication as a woman’s brain. So, in this area, men are weaker in this area than women. However, many women try to “bully” their men into answering them in an argument like a female would. Asking multiple questions at once and expecting an immediate answer is both mentally anguishing and emotionally draining. This makes a man feel as if he cannot trust you in arguments and will make him lock up like an overheated engine. Is your desire for answers stronger than your love for your professed loved one? You decide.
Using your weakness is not an excuse to not answer questions that your mate asks you. If you want to keep a healthy relationship, you want to remind them that they are important but it is difficult for you to focus when it comes to this area. After all, we need to allow ourselves be vulnerable to our wives in this area. they are looking for a connection not a confrontation.
5. Pin Down A Time And Place
Part of any argument is the resolution! You can’t and shouldn’t allow the argument to go on indefinitely without a time where you two talk about it. I believe that you should agree together to a time and place where you both communicate. Don’t try to pin down someone to talk because you desire instant answers. This makes them feel trapped and brings about the injured and cornered animal effect. They will attack you because they see no way out but to fight.
For example: A wife assumes that her husband is having an affair on her due to a few strange calls and unaccounted time. She begins to investigate her own husband in an attempt to gain intelligence or information. She is unsuccessful and tries to go for a full frontal assault and ask him directly. So when he comes home she corners him in the a room and begins to conduct what I call a machine gun question session. She asks more questions in a minute than he can answer. Now he feels as if he has done something wrong and cornered and trapped. This breeds an environment for physical abuse and domestic violence. If you really desire to have effective results one might want to try kindness. Have a nice sit down session and use a kind tone and ask a question and wait for an answer before moving on. This puts the pressure to answer one question at a time. Trapping someone without them being prepared can lead to feelings of disrespect and hostility. In the aforementioned situation, the wife sat down and tried the techniques recommended and discovered that the husband planned a special time for them. Because she assumed the worst, she maltreated the person that she vowed to love honor and respect. Choosing a place to talk is very important.
When we start to consider the other person’s feelings and their side is very important. Too often we are very selfish in our desires to see an action carried out. Stay tuned this week as we talk about how to fight fair. Join us again as we address real life issues with biblical answers on Worship With Willie.